Grief is not Linear

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Disorganization, Acceptance

Pretty straightforward:  A 5 step program that puts you through the motions and then you are back to normal life.  What I learnt when my mother died that grief was not linear and frequently I will be ambushed by any of one of the emotions along that spectrum.  Today I work up angry and sad will probably spend most of my day trying to shake those feelings.

When my mother was sick, I would on regularly break down and pray, asking God or whichever ruling spirit was out there, to accept a clean trade.  This would involve my death - in any manner of his choosing- and in exchange he would let my mother live.  This was a fair proposition, he would get to kill someone  and my family would get to keep our mother.  I had never seriously considered dying before and this attempt at an exchange placed me firmly at the midpoint along the emotional spectrum of mourning. 

18 months after her death, I no longer cry each time I talk about my mother, but I certainly feel a physical tug and pain in my heart and the lump in my throat always returns.  Time is working it's magic and I was proving to myself how strong I am.  Until the moment at the mall when I pull out my credit card to pay, look at my hand which looks exactly like hers, and have to leave because an avalanche of tears was on it's way to overcome me. 

Here's what I have learnt about grief until now - it's not linear, it's not self-contained, it's not predictable, it's not reliable, and it traps you in a loop where you pass through stages repeatedly. 

A daughter's need for her mother is constant ans when she reaches out for her, the mother isn't there.  The feelings of loss and abandonment can return at any time, in any situation.

The Death of a Mother is the First Sorrow Wept without her

The death of a mother is the first sorrow wept without her ... 

The death of a mother is the first sorrow wept without her ...

 All cues I received as little girl about situations that bring on tears were validated by my mother's reaction to them:  I cried when my tooth hurt, I was gracious when I didn't get the birthday present that I really wanted, I cried when my heart was broken for the first time --- and through all these she was right there, my best friend and mentor, talking with me and listening... I mean really really listening to me with true interest in what I have to say.

A couple of months after my 27th birthday, she had died.  she was gone.  permanent.   never coming back. gone.   forever.  done.

So there it is was and she was it - the sorrow of her was the first sorrow without her.  A sorrow so deep and so profound that logically would be one to trigger tears but I had nothing. My angelic mother died, in front of my eyes, after I gave her permission to go and then .....nothing...... i had no tears